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Stage-It
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« on: October 15, 2005, 06:33:44 PM » |
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You never start BIG! NEVER!
It will never get done. The big thing these days seems to be coming up with something revolutionary, and having a publisher fund it.
Unfortunately, the average royalty rate is a mere 7%. And on top of that, they have complete control over you intellectual property. If they want that profit before Christmas, they can strip every bit of innovation out of your design and force you to ship another conformist piece of shit-on-a-disc.
You must work your way up, which is hard for many companies. But here, at Isotope Studios, we actually have a talented “biz-guy.”
We're going to start with "THE BEST GAME OF ALL TIME." Yes, that's it's working title. Yes, it's considered a “small” game – even though it is rather large, it costs a whopping $0.00 to make. But these days, a “small” game is not exactly small in gameplay, but in development costs.
Upon completion, every surplus penny we have available, when needed, will be used for marketing. Got an extra $2000? Time to move up to a more frequented website.
The tag line for “THE BEST GAME OF ALL TIME” is this:
"Bill Cosby always said that 'I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.' Well, Bill Cosby's a douchebag, so we're going to try anyway."
"THE BEST GAME OF ALL TIME" is a comedic FPS title built on the Quake 3 engine. It will not be system intensive. The better it runs on, say, an integrated video chipset, such as the widespread Intel Extreme Graphics or SiS Real256E, the better. That's 90% of the market - and a very easy to nab part.
That's one of the largest key marketing points. The less intensive a game is, the more it sells. Face it, uber-efficient engines such as Source and Descent's engine are few and far between. Source runs great on a 2GHz P4 and a Radeon 9200, and likewise Descent ran great on a 486-50, and stellar on a 486-66MHz box back in 1995. It runs much better on a 386 than Doom does.
Now, if you can nab this low-end section, go for it. The next bit of marketing is the second most important.
The rebirth of Shareware Trilogies.
Episode 1? It's free. And it kicks as much ass as Episodes 2 or 3. And it also contains one sample level from Episode 2 and one from Episode 3.
Hey! You want episodes 2 and 3? Order them off of CafePress.com . For every $24.99 disc we sell that has all three episodes on it, we're pocketing around $15.
If I had a penny for how many times I've heard "Damn, I miss the days when shareware kicked absolute ass, and you didn't have some time limited piece of shit or a 3-level shitfest demo," I'd have enough money to retire on the moon.
Now, by doing this, you appear to the consumer as a godsend. "Holy shit guys...this dude KNOWS me. He KNOWS what's good for humanity. He SHARES my views on game marketing! And furthermore, he KNOWS the 'Right Thing' to do."
The most important part of promoting it is actually making people know about it.
For advertising, work your way up from the small shit. Advertise on personal or smaller cheaper sites. Sonic-Cult.net has many page views, and ads are around $10. They are considered by many to be the foremost experts on Sonic beta versions, unreleased prototypes, and among other things, history preservation. You can experience almost any beta or handheld game you want by visiting there.
Furthermore, since the game's main character is “The Cock Mongler” (a.k.a. Richard C. Mongler, as he is also called both in game and on 4Chan.), 4Chan.org's $300 /b/anner advertising spiel will bring in thousands of potential customers a day.
If you can work up the cash, buy a spot on Penny Arcade, VGCats, GhastlyComic.com, or if you're really gutsy, pay out the ass for a PCGameWorld or IGN banner.
Fun fact: Advertising will cost more than making the actual game. Hardware will be cheap, around $600 a pop for some self-built mega reliable middle end computers, and zero software costs besides the OS.
Now, the game's content?
It heavily advertises the following:
-References to movies, music, and games nobody knows about, gives a fuck about, or even cares about, we're talking a fanbase of four members at most here.
-References to the big shits, I mean hits, of music, movies and games.
-Hop on a senior citizens “TOUR AMERICA” bus and take a tour of the land of the free the way it was supposed to be – bloody. Racial stereotypes, retarded holidays, and drawling, “tyming,” and “KEKEKEKE” accents take a Cleveland Steamer on every part of the racist-ass politically correct movement White America has been working for the past five years. Take part in the most violent gibfest in rural Georgia ever seen. After you do that, relax with a stunningly beautiful sermon from Jesus, as he reads from the Bible in a green field filled with flowers, streams, rainbows, trees, and families enjoying a picnic. These games be sending mixed messages!
Because...that fucking mystical M3 unit has got to be out there somewhere...Everyone wants it. The unreleased M2 was rare enough. This is supposed to have magical powers...or some shit. It can turn coins into gold, and wine into piss. So it bestows the same power as Jesus.
You ain't the only guy lookin' for it, ya know.
(Episode 1's final boss will be Brian Peppers. Not advertised on the box, site, etc.)
- Damn. That M3 unit fucking sucked. No wonder Panasonic never made it. Now you gotta fight your way back to the present day. Get ready to fly through the past in Episode 2. Shoot up baddies in an environment rendered on the Atari 2600. Blast the Jesus out of random enemies so stunning only the NES could create them. And punch through layers of Sega Genesis style badguys.
If only you could locate an Xband modem...You might be able to make your way back to reality.
(Episode 2's final boss is the ORLY owl. The battle actually works much like the Fire Temple boss from Zelda 64.)
(The latter sentence on our website will be changed for European/Japanese customers to "Sega Mega Drive" and will be autodetected by IP address upon connection)
-Steal the "FORGOTTEN CODES" to re-reach reality in Episode 3. One of them is bound to warp you back to reality.
That is, if the FPS, RPG, MMO, fighting, and DDR nerdlings don't kill you first! Transverse via ethernet cable from computer to computer, open up files on people's desktops, and pray to God you find a way outta there! It's just shame that since these guys are fanboys, the only way out is to play out. And their games are pretty fucking played out.
Adventure through "GENERIC MEDIVAL MMORPG 2: THE SWORD THAT IS BAD." Don't forget to transverse the 20,000 odd expansion packs these cocksuckers put out to make a cheap buck.
While you're at it, play "SHOOT SHIT TO SAVE THE WORLD 9," and "USE MAGIC POWERS IN THE YEAR 2020 AND UTILIZE RETARDED ITEMS SUCH AS A 'KOJIYAMAMAMAAHGAGAGAKAKA BRACELET' TO WORK UP ENOUGH STRENGTH TO TAKE A PISS."
It's an RPG kids, it'll never make sense. Oh, and "DANCE DANCE REVERSI 2" is just around the pixelated bend!
(Episode 3's final boss is Trill Bosby's Pudding Factory. Once again, not mentioned)
(Anyone who is dissatisfied with gaming will adore Episode 3, and quote it like the Bible.)
-Fuck the shit out of hot chicks, hot dicks, and hot picks!
-New "SUPERBREAST" 3D rendering technology creates real time hot breasts! But you should still find some real ones! We recommend you take the $24 dollars towards our game and buy a hooker.
-Hilarious and random gameplay! It's a totally new twist on comedy games! And it even adhere's to copyright laws!
Now, for the actual action, the game will be pretty damn interesting. You can go to towns, and by listening in to conversations, you can hear many beloved quotes. "Did you let her touch your penis?" (Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle). Walk into a porno store, and hear the words "BOOM! HEADSHOT!" emit from the jackbooths.
In other words, the more you play, the more you stay. There's easter eggs buried all over the fucking place. Flip over a rock and discover "DellDudeSteven's weed stash." Crawl through the trees and see "Miles ['Tails' Prower] is a FAG!" written on the trunk (Heh, I won't use his full name - don't want Sega on my ass).
And when it gets popular enough, we'll release this patch:
The Best Game of All Time - Patch Version 1.1
Fixes:
-Makes the game seem much more important than it actually is.
That'll make the user laugh. Well worth 12MB (But if there are any bugs, they WILL be fixed).
The whole approach is to inject the user with e-heroin and nostalgia at an affordable cost, for both us and them.
It's a more modernized version of id's viral shareware marketing. Which has worked for years.
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